that's why i'm still up right now.

huhu.


i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo careless. :(


i left my phone at the commuter van. Helllloooooooooo. Come to think of it, we left at the gate of our subdivision, I was holding my phone while I was sleeping, and because I was in a verrrrrrrrrrry deep sleep, I might have forgotten that I was holding something. My bad. For the second time this year, I might change my cellphone number again. Damn. I hope this will be the last.


Anyway, my day is really awful. Sad. Awful. Whatever

I finished my Psych Scale today. I'm done with the statistics and everything, all I needed to do was print my output and submit it to my professor. Come 5pm.

I was so desperate, so I went to Netopia at Robinson's Place, Ermita. My output turned out to have 28 pages. Printing was worth 8 pesos per page. Expensive, compared to Alva's rate which is 3 pesos per page. Plus, if ever I had them print my output, it will take more than 10 minutes to print all those pages, and pay for them at the cashier.

5:15, it took the technician more than 5 minutes to scan the file, preview it at the excel, and eventually I decided to not print it anymore.

Disappointed, yes, but I'm glad I'm done with it.

Grandma's confined at the Makati Medical Center for Pneumonia. After my meeting with my sisses, I went to MMC. Thanks to Mama Bern for sending me off to the hospital.

Nanang(grandma) is now better. Her temperature is lower and hopefully she'll be released by today if her fever doesn't go back.

I actually had fun at the hospital. First of all, I got to bond with my Tito and Tita, who I haven't seen for a veeeeeeeeeeeeery long time now. Second, my baby cousin was there too! So we just played whooooole night long until the time they sent us to the Shaw.

Today, I actually did miss this very oddly special person for no apparent reason. Idk, maybe because I haven't seen him for days, and I'm just so used to see him everyday after our classes. :) It's a good feeling, and I'm happy. (not that I have an actual "someone" right now, but because of the fact that I can still feel like this for another person)


Realization: I am quitting. Haha. Seriously. My goal is that by August 20th, I'll be able to live without the need for nicotine. I can do this. I have lived my life without it and I can do it again this time. I'll just take it slowly. I'm really scared about the effect of getting used to it and then quitting suddenly. I just hope the following months wouldn't be as stressful as the previous ones.

(and I won't take stress as an excuse to smoke)

starting today, I have a quota of 5 sticks per day. I just have to maximize it. haha. I had one stick just now, so I only 4 until the end of August 2nd.

It's all about deep inner strength.

:)

wuh. right now, i'm intoxicated with all my acads issues. i've been online since last night and well, i'm proud to say that i have accomplished something. I'm done with my Psychological scale, it is now up for judging(paper is due tomorrow), then after judging i'll start with the statistics, YAY! I have more than 20 sources for the Review of Related Literature of my thesis proposal. I'm so happy.

However, complicated is the new status quo. Why? I don't know. I should've finished these assignments eons ago had I not been too busy uncomplicating my already complicated life. (i dont think uncomplicating is a right term) anyway, there, I feel like everything is falling into places.

I'm happy and sad. I'm happy because everything is going well except for my social life, that is why I'm sad. I miss my friends.

Especially this one friend I have.. I don't know. For no apparent reason we drifted apart, again. It's my fault, I guess. I let him go. And I know things wouldn't ever be the same for the both of us.

I miss the people who know me more than anybody else. I know I've been stuck for quite a long time, but I'm reaching out. I miss myself. Haha.

For the past few months, I know a lot has changed about me. I'm not the same person I was before, but I know I changed for the better. I did some mistakes but those mistakes doesn't define my person. They only made me stronger.

My blog is sooooooooo incoherent I don't even know what I'm talking about..

anyway, back to acads mode. Last night, we had a reporting about Imperialism. Hahaha. anddddd I think my group's report was the best. Hahahaha. I read about it only that day and I know my groupmates weren't prepared too, but we pulled it off. Go Family! _____________________________________
My mom is not home, and I'm alone.
Doing acads stuff. and it feels good. hahaha. :)

your closet is no bigger than your balls to admit that you are locked in.

well, that's okay because i am as well locked in. not in a closet, like you, but in a wall where no one is allowed to get through.

but man! c'mon, life is more than just the walls of whatever is keeping yourself in. Go out. Live your life, you chose it.

You make your own life, whatever they say, whatever they do, it wouldn't matter if you wouldn't let them change you. You can only change yourself, and gauge to what extent, and as to how you're gonna do it.

as for me, i'd like to do it drastically. with the blink of an eye, change one situation to another. change somebody else's destiny and change what i am meant to be.

it's hard to be somehow lost in confusion when you don't know what you are confused about.
i'm not making sense.

go to sleep.

Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
Never looked better, and you can't stand it

_____________________________________________________

haven't slept for days. i don't know why. i keep on losing weight. the most i gained these past 2weeks is 2 kgs. not much eh? geeez. i'm still underweight. i don't know what to do.

grar. i don't want to look like i have eating disorders or whatever. although i really wanted to be thin before, but not like this..

_____________________________________________________

deadlines!! gossssssh. i'm panicking but i'm not doing anything. this is bad. bad bad bad. i want to finish my papers, thesis, research everything on time. that is whyyyyyy tomorrow i shall start on my RRLs and stop on procrastinating. hahahaha. you wish.

dang. i can do this. :)

_____________________________________________________

i badly miss my sister. chat is not enough. the phone calls dont seem to reach me. my messages aren't enough to let her know everything that's happening around me and with me.

:(


if only i could see her now. if only i could tell her everything.

wuhhhh.

ayaw pa kasi niya pumayag eh! i told her i'll spend 1 whole week there, friday to monday. hehe. well, i understand, i'd be wasting a lot of money if we do that. but then again, i'll try! hahahaha

_____________________________________________________

it's still complicated.

_____________________________________________________

i miss ____ but that's just it.

_____________________________________________________

and the sun is already rising, i have to sleep.

stop. stop. stop.

i am not this person.





bakit ba?! when did you start being so stupid and allowing other people to make you feel subordinate? when did you start letting people ignore your principle? when did you start letting people tell you what you need to do?

naiinis ako. hindi sa kanya. kundi sa sarili ko. alam ko na hindi ako dapat sumusunod sa lahat ng gusto niya pero bakit ginagawa ko pa rin? di naman ako ganito eh. siguro dahil natatakot akong bigla niya akong iwanan na wala naman kaming nasesettle na kahit ano. eh ano naman ngayon? wala akong pakialam kung iwanan niya ako. wala rin naman akong magagawa eh. kasalanan ko lahat kung ano man yung mangyari. in the first place, hinayaan ko siya. di ako masasaktan. kung di niya ako kayang tanggapin, go lang. hanggang ngayon di ko pa din maintindihan kung ano ba talaga kami. naiinis na ako. ayoko na siyang kausapin pero inaalala ko pa din na baka magalit siya. hindi ko siya mahal. di ko rin siya gusto. o, di ko siya ganun kagusto na ayokong mawala siya. ayoko lang mawala siya dahil baka magretaliate sa kin lahat ng mga ginawa namin. tangina. ang tanga tanga ko kasi eh. pucha. di ko na alam kung ano gagawin ko. ayokong isipin na meron nga talagang something kasi wala naman.

Changes. Changes. Changing. Change.

Strangeness
Bewilderment
Wishful Thinking
Intimate Comprehension
Disturbed Metaphors
Undying Procrastination
Attraction of Differences
Spectacle of Intrigues


One night is one life. I never imagined that it would be this fast. Everything happened over one night. It's a lifetime that has been changed. One has made the ultimate sacrifice, and yet, you have to crawl your way to get to where the sacrifice was given for.

isang araw lang ang katumbas ng isang buong buhay.
isang araw lang.
isang araw lang ang bubura sa isang pagkataong nalipasan na ng panahon.

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isang araw, kumpleto ka
isang araw, may kulang na
isang araw, maiisip mo
di mo na maibabalik
isang araw.